the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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