she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
