Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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