I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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