John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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