Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
