do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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