I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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