tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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