I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
