A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
