I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
