I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
