The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
