I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
