Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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