I smell stomach acid.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
