My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
