I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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