we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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