I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
