i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
