my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
