How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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