The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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