There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
