Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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