im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
