my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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