Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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