Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
