Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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