thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
