so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm too high and old for this...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
