he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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