Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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