She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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