just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
