The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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