I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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