I cockslap morals
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
