new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
