She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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