nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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