I hate all girls vehemently.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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