I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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