dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
