Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
did you just send me my own nude
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
