did you get engaged???
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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