My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Randomize
