I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
