Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
