I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
