ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw