I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
