I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
