I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
