Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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